The calendar has long since turned to 2024. Christmas dinner seems like a long time ago, and the doughnut stalls are back in the stable. Still, I like to take a look over my shoulder at the old year. Because in addition to looking ahead to what 2024 will bring (like our new house, hurray!), I also like to look back at what 2023 let me put in my backpack. These are 11 beautiful lessons that last year taught me. About myself, about life, about acceptance and about letting go of a lot.
You’re not for everyone.
How wonderful it would be if everyone adored you. If every colleague, all friends of friends and even every passer-by in the supermarket thought you were a unique person. How long I tried to be liked by everyone. I thought that would work if you always remained sweet and kind, kept your opinions to yourself and did what people expected of you. But even then people will sometimes look at you negatively. Last year taught me even more that you may not be “for everyone”, but that this should not be a goal in itself. It is okay if not everyone thinks you are fantastic, formidable and great. And it is even okay if people think you are “too” in something. Too quiet, too outgoing, too dreamy, too sensitive, too ambitious, too boring, too… Stop hiding your sides to be a nice person for everyone. Start being yourself.
It’s okay if your schedule is thrown into disarray. Let it go.
If anyone is into mapped out schedules, lists and Excel sheets, it’s me. I prefer to put everything into clear frameworks and check-off tables. For example, we had of course made a neatly thought-out plan for the renovation. But as with every renovation, not every part of ours went 100% according to plan. This year was partly because of that for me the year of letting go. I learned that changing plans can sometimes work out really well (for example, we now live in a fantastic place that I would never have considered the neighborhood a year ago). And that it can sometimes be a bit of a shock, but it’s certainly not the end of the world. You can get really worked up about it. But sometimes that’s just the way it goes and you’re better off shrugging your shoulders. Okay, this wasn’t the plan, but I’ll survive.
Impulsiveness is actually quite a nice trait.
Since my control freak side is seriously present, my impulsive edge also sometimes gets snowed under. I am often a planner, but sometimes not at all. Sometimes I long for a spontaneous walk in an area that is not called “a block around the block”, I suddenly feel like going to a vintage store an hour away or I absolutely want the stack of pancakes from that one hipster Austin place for lunch instead of my own peanut butter sandwiches. This year I gave in to those “Oh yes, I feel like…” tendencies a lot more often. Much to the delight of Bart, who encourages those impulsive plans of mine. Speaking of which: tomorrow we are taking a day trip. Firstly to pick up some Ikea PAX doors that are no longer available in the U.S., secondly to go shopping at an American drugstore and supermarket completely spontaneously and eat vegan “cheesecake.”
You change, others change.
And that’s okay. I’m not who I was last year on this date today. And last year, I wasn’t the person I was 365 days before that. I’m constantly changing. We’re all constantly changing. And where I once saw that as a bad thing – what if people don’t like me anymore because they know me differently? – I’ve come to see change as something positive. Yes, I’m more assertive than I was when I was 25. I show my feelings more than I did two years ago. I live in a different place than I did before. I make different choices about work than I did when I first became an entrepreneur. I’m less of a go-getter and sometimes give my opinion, where I once swallowed it as a matter of course if it differed from the rest. That’s fine. It’s great that we’re all becoming more ourselves every day.
When in doubt, listen to yourself first before asking for advice.
If you are not sure about something, it is often tempting to present your dilemma to others. The only thing is: everyone will point out something different to you and have another well-meaning “Gosh, if I were you…” suggestion. In my experience, ten different pieces of advice only make the doubt worse. I then had the idea that I “had to” do something with ten pieces of advice, which made me lose sight of my own feelings even more. Partly because of our renovation adventure, I have learned to trust my own ideas (in this case: our ideas) more. When you buy and renovate a house, you get countless unsolicited tips as a gift. It taught me to keep some choices to yourself or between you and your partner before you talk about them in detail. Let it sink in and see if you can figure it out yourself. And otherwise, ask one or two loved ones for advice rather than throwing it out in a circle conversation at a birthday party.
You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction.
Sometimes the other person does not react as you had hoped. Your choices disappoint the other person. Someone gets angry, stressed or even attacks you personally. I had that in a few situations last year and noticed that it upset me quite a bit. Then I started to investigate what was causing it and talked to a few people about it. What did it make me realize? That it is logical that your decisions and behavior sometimes also have negative consequences for someone else. If you stop doing something, that is not nice for someone else. When you set a boundary, that may affect something in the other person. But that does not mean that you are not allowed to make that choice or convey this message. What that does to the other person says something about that person’s baggage. Leave what is theirs with the other person.
There is no such thing as being too sensitive.
Even as a child, I was a rather sensitive girl. I remember sitting on the couch crying when the main character in a cartoon died. For years, I thought I was just “too sensitive”. That I took things too much to heart and should just toughen up. I looked for the problem in myself and saw sensitivity as an inconvenient quality in a relatively tough world. I finally came back from that this year. Yes, I am that person who is sometimes deeply affected by things in a positive and sometimes in a negative way. The person who wipes away a tear during birth vlogs of YouTubers I don’t know personally. And who also wiped away quite a few mascara stains before I had to hand in the key to my old house. It was the first time that I didn’t think that was stupid, but could just think “That’s how I am”. I feel things the way I feel them. The fact that some things affect me and maybe not someone else doesn’t make me oversensitive and the other person insensitive. It makes me me, and the other person the other person.
Be proud of yourself, regardless of whether others are.
You will not always get the approval you crave from others. Or words like “Gosh, I am so proud of you!” or “You did that well!”. And the great thing is: that pride from everyone else around you is not a requirement to be proud of yourself. Don’t let your self-confidence depend on others telling you that you are such a beautiful person. Try to feel for yourself that you are good enough. Learn to look proudly at the path you have taken, to give yourself pats on the back and to sometimes whisper in your own ear “You did that well!”.
It’s not stupid to fall into your own pitfalls.
Growth doesn’t happen in a straight line. And even if you think you’ve made it and left your pitfalls behind you for good, you’ll still accidentally fall into them sometimes. That doesn’t make you a failure as a person. It doesn’t mean you’re back to square one and can throw your goals in the trash. Pitfalls are pitfalls for a reason: they’re always lurking. Instead of judging yourself for not always doing well, it’s better to learn from them. Okay, this didn’t go so well. How can I do it differently next time? What do I need to make sure this doesn’t happen again? Also, look at yourself with compassion. You’re doing your best, but in the end, you’re only human.
Life is more fun when you sometimes hit the brakes.
Yes, even if you are someone with an eternal flood of creative ideas, energy for ten, fun work plans and a renovation project and an idea for a good recipe and… and… Don’t think that you are that one person who does quite well on 5.5 hours of sleep and doing everything at the same time. You can manage for a while, but everyone’s energy tank has a bottom. It is better to signal in time that the bottom is in sight by cancelling things earlier. For example, I was less sociable this year than in other years because of the renovation rush. I sometimes thought that was stupid. Sometimes I felt boring when, after a busy week, I only saw Bart, the cashier, my cat and a few random passers-by during my walk in the weekend. But I also noticed that it does me good. And that being boring is better than being tired.
You don’t always have to have goals in life.
Let’s encourage each other more often not to know things, but to just mess around and go somewhere aimlessly (and sometimes turn back along the way – that’s fine too!). It’s okay to start the new year without big, bigger, biggest resolutions and instead just see what the year brings. It’s also okay to have a pile of goals and decide in April (or February for that matter) that you’re going to change tack. Sometimes it’s okay to not know. To not have any answers. To turn around, take a different path or just look around aimlessly. Not setting goals doesn’t mean you’re not moving forward. Sometimes it’s the moments when you think you’re standing still that you grow the most.
What is a beautiful lesson that 2023 taught you?
