On August 25th, Bartina and I had been together for exactly 5 years. Five years! A few days before that milestone, we had the well-known gift conversation. “Gosh, are we actually doing something with gifts?” It was already late in the evening and then our sense of humor always plummets rapidly. So Bartina joked: “Otherwise I’ll make you a ‘What would Bartina say?’ booklet.” In other words: a booklet with all the much-needed and less-needed lessons I learned from her. The booklet never came (a pair of beautiful earrings as a gift did). But because 5 years is such a great milestone and I have indeed learned a lot from my girlfriend, I thought it was a good time for a ‘wise words from Bartina’ post. About air fryers, taking a rest and being able to do more than you think.
1. Relaxing is also part of it
I regularly help Bartina to press her accelerator pedal (the proverbial one, not the one in the car!) a little harder. In return, Bartina often points out to me that I also have a brake that I can step on.
Well, I can be an energy cannon sometimes. Then I run on and on. And before I know it, I’ve run past myself somewhere along the way. Bartina often realizes before I do that I’m heading in that direction again. She taught me over the past 5 years that slowing down can sometimes be a tight plan. And also that walking across the heath can be just as nice as planning a fanatic day out on the other side of the country. She made me realize that breaks during work hours were invented for a reason and that there’s nothing wrong with lazy Saturday mornings.
In the beginning I found it really annoying when I wanted to do all sorts of things and she said “Whoa, sit down and relax!”. Nowadays I’m just really glad that Bartina slows me down instead of pushing my enthusiastic accelerator pedal even further.
2. F*ck the haters
Bartina often says these words to me when I worry about what someone else thinks of me. Bartina is the master of perspective of the two of us. While I sometimes feel the sweat coming up when I have to disappoint someone by not going to a party, Bartina doesn’t get upset that quickly. No matter how sweet and kind and social she is, she spends much less time worrying about the opinions of random people than I do. If I don’t dare to take a step for fear of making people angry or hurting them, she always hisses at me: “F*ck the haters”.
That means – slightly less roughly – something like the following:
There are always people who have something to say or criticize about things you do, say or choose. You can do your utmost to prevent those opinions or to please even the most negative people. But sometimes it is better to realize that there are people with non-constructive comments. Don’t let all those opinions get you down and make your own plan. And does anyone have an opinion about that? Then realize that there are people who often criticize you. For whatever reason. Stay close to yourself and focus on the people who do cheer you on in what you do.
3. Tomorrow is another day
One of the main differences between Bartina and me is that she is a lot more calm. I am a go-getter. And preferably immediately. If I have something in mind, tomorrow already feels too late to do something about it. Bartina can better let plans simmer on the shelf for a while. If I come up with another brilliant idea in my eyes at half past eleven in bed that won’t leave me alone, she is the one who says “Does it have to be now? Write it down and look at it again tomorrow!”
Now that’s not always what you want to hear when you’re bouncing around with enthusiasm and throwing around creative ideas that you consider to be Einstein-level (which they aren’t in 99.9999% of the cases, by the way…). But it’s often exactly what I need. It’s fun when your head is an idea machine without a stopper. But sometimes it’s also good to put a stopper on it yourself, literally sleep on it for a night and let plans rest for a while. Not everything has to be done right away. And if you think of something really fun now, then sometimes it’s nice to wait until tomorrow (or the day after). Anticipation is fun too.
4. Sometimes you can also let others take care of you
I call it ‘independent’. Bartina calls it ‘stubborn’. It boils down to the fact that I am someone who likes to fix things on her own. When I have a problem, I have searched all of Google in no time, signed up for a course and put together an action plan to get the job done. And that “Oh I can do it myself, you know!”, I have with more things. How often has Bartina had to roll her eyes and watch me lug 3 shopping bags home on my bike and lift them inside on my own, because “I really could do that without help”. Well, somewhere inside me there is a woman who really wants to prove that she is an independent woman.
Caring as she is, Bartina taught me that asking for help is always possible. Whether it is for a real problem or to not have to lift awkward weights with supermarket bags on my own. Thanks to Bartina, I am now much better at leaving things to others. Not always being the one to take care of things, but also occasionally experiencing it when someone else offers it to me. Then I park the “I have legs too!” thought for a moment when Bartina – very sweet! – makes a hot water bottle for me or I put the “Loser, just go cycling!” thought outside the door when Bartina offers to pick me up because of the bad weather.
Thanks to Bartina, I have learned to let go of my ‘I’ll do it myself’ voice a tiny bit. Although I will always try first (you can’t just get stubbornness out of a person…), I now allow it more easily when someone wants to do something nice for me. Even when I’m not sick, weak or nauseous.
5. Just say something if it’s bothering you
When I met Bartina, I was a great introvert. If something bothered me, I would try to figure it out myself first. I kept my angry outbursts to myself, so that they would surely pass at some point. And sadness? Well, that will pass at some point. But thanks to Bartina, I realized early on in our relationship that I have a really bad poker face. Apparently, people (Bartina at least!) can tell from my face very quickly whether I am happy or not. “Just say it!”, she would shout in the beginning when I was clearly bottling something up. And that helped!
She taught me to speak out when you are really upset about something inside, have doubts or feel fears. Don’t be too quick to think that things are embarrassing or that your thoughts are nonsense. By convincing yourself that you are not allowed to express all this, you make bad feelings worse. As soon as you talk about it, you will notice that you don’t have to struggle with it on your own. And that someone else can sometimes put your intense brain storm into perspective. People are happy to be there for you. As long as you say that you need them.
I am no longer an introvert. My life has become much more light-hearted since I stopped keeping my emotions inside. And when someone asks ‘How are you?’ I no longer feel obliged to mumble a feigned “Yes, great!” when something is not going well. I can recommend it to everyone. Allowing your emotions to enter your life will get you further than bottling them up.
6. You can do more than you think if you just try
We both say this to each other regularly. Bartina mainly speaks these words to me when I think “Meh, I don’t know if I can do it!” about – especially technical – things. Bartina taught me that sometimes you just have to get started on an IKEA construction project, even if the manual seems endless and you don’t consider yourself an exceptionally handywoman. Who knows, you might succeed! She was also the one who supported me to drive a Chevy van, even though I was in pure panic about possibly causing a mess. And she motivated me to give squash a try, even if my first shots didn’t make any sense.
She was right: in almost all of those cases (except for squash) I did better than I thought. Sometimes you just have to try something to find out that you’re not that bad at it. That IKEA cupboard is still there. And we were eventually able to return the Chevy van without a scratch.
7. Pleasing is really not worth your energy
My great sense of responsibility comes in handy at times, but is also often far from handy. In the past, I had the tendency to cheerfully please at the expense of myself. Then I would put in an extra effort to squeeze out a few urgent jobs, only to be out of it all evening. Or I would go to that one party with an energy level below zero, only to come back even more empty than I already was. In the meantime, I have become better at saying ‘no’ and I can more easily accept that the logical consequence of a ‘no’ is that people sometimes get annoyed with you.
Whenever I said “Sure, I’ll do it!” too quickly, Bartina was always the first to address me. Who are you doing it for? Is the other person really worth it if you end up lying on the couch exhausted? Why would you go to this event now, when you could also use your time for things that make you happy? The “I’m dead tired” feeling is really not worth unnecessarily pleasing someone.
8. Throw potatoes in the air fryer
In culinary terms, Bartina and I are complete opposites. And not just because I eat vegan and Bartina loves hamburgers (and not the Beyond Meat variety). No, Bartina likes vegetables that are well-cooked. I like vegetables that still have a bit of bite. Bartina is addicted to the well-known P’s: pizza, fries and pasta. I am happier with a good curry, risotto or other things that have taken a little more cooking time. Where I enthusiastically stir a large scoop of crispy chili oil into my food, Bartina already starts sweating at a tiny pinch of sambal. And as enthusiastic as I am about well-prepared tofu, Bartina starts to protest just as hard when she hears the word ‘tofu’.
But I did inherit one culinary thing from Bartina: her love for deep-fried or airfryer potatoes. Since we got an airfryer, I never throw potatoes in a pan of boiling water or in a frying pan with oil. I always throw them in the airfryer to make crispy slices or balls. That’s so delicious! She finally got me, as a vegetable junkie, into something like deep-fried potatoes!
9. Don’t settle for less
Am I even a person for relationships? I seriously wondered about it in the 4.5 years that I was single. I had a pretty turbulent puberty and was glad when I had a quieter life around the age of 25 with my own house, my own cat and an office job. Dating often felt like a hassle. All the texting back and forth. The uncertainty. The doubts. I sometimes felt like I had to act like the extroverted bar girl that I am not. Or I thought I had hooked a nice woman, but was then thrown aside at the Vondelpark with the statement “I actually didn’t make a reservation at this restaurant, but I wanted to say that I don’t want to continue with you!” Yes, that is a true story. It still gives me sad Bridget Jones vibes.
When I was online dating, I sometimes worried that I was being too critical of the potential partner material that I swiped left or right on. I also sometimes doubted myself when I felt sidelined or got the “Let’s just be friends” reaction again. Was it my fault? Was I nice enough? Should I be less critical? But when I met Bartina, I noticed – cheesy but true – after just two dates that things were different with her. The doubt was gone. The critical glasses made way for a love-like rosy-eyedness. And I could much more easily surrender to that one magical “When will I see you again? Hopefully soon!” feeling that is apparently called love.
“Don’t settle for less”, I had read online. I often tied those words to my ears when I was asked the “Gosh, are you already with someone?” question by curious family members during Christmas dinners. “No, not yet!”, I thought. I will stay single until I find someone who really makes it fun instead of complicated to let ‘alone’ make way for ‘together’.
Thanks to Bartina I now know: those online gurus were right. Don’t settle for less than the person with whom you can truly be yourself, with whom you’ll be laughing your head off, who will listen to you and cheerlead you when necessary but who will sometimes also put on your much-needed brakes. I’m glad that my dear assistant brake pedal, Ikea cupboard supporter and air fryer queen in one has been by my side for five years.
