1. You don’t make the world a better place by never saying no

It sounds very Mother Theresa-like when you shout “Yes, that’s fine!” everywhere and enthusiastically help everyone, jump in the car for Pete and his neighbor and put your own interests aside for those of any random stranger. But as nice as it sounds, it is so unhelpful in practice to do this.

Fortunately, no’s come out of my mouth quite okay these days. But until I was 26, I had a huge allergy to this word. I would now call it a love-hate relationship. As a new entrepreneur, I believed that I should be happy with every possible assignment (“Wow, someone is hiring me. Me? What an honor!”). The result? I did everything that came my way, and I kind of lost sight of my own agenda. It wasn’t until I hired a business coach for the first time that I realized that the world really wouldn’t be a better place if I never said ‘no’.

Not only is it stupid for you if you completely overdo it. But the other person also has no use for you if you lose your energy. So say ‘no’. Not only for yourself, but also for the other person.

And of course that also applies to private things. Your friends have no use if you make unsuccessful attempts to join in a chatting evening with an empty energy tank. Your partner will also not be happy if you go to a horror movie especially for her, but then lie awake for 5 nights. Do yourself and the other person a favor and say ‘no’ more often.

2. No one else can always stand up for you except yourself.

Of course, others can sometimes subtly whisper to you, “Man, should you really do that?” or “Are you taking care of yourself?” But ultimately, only you can make the final choices and stand up for yourself. Only you can decide whether to slam on the brakes or go full throttle in a certain direction. Only you can speak up when you are really upset about a situation. Only you can radically change course. And only you can always accurately notice what you feel about something and determine what you really need. Others can at most make a suggestion.

So take it extra seriously if you notice that you are going beyond your limits or if you are going through life with a heavy brick in your stomach. No one else can save you from this situation but yourself. And of course people are happy to help you. But it always starts with you. Only you can say: “This far and no further!” So please do that. You are worth it. Gosh, I still manage to get that sugary advice in 😉

3. People always have something to say about you, even when you try to do everything right.

Sometimes you get comments about your purple pants, other times about your spending habits or about the non-alcoholic drink in your glass ( ‘Hey, don’t be so unsociable!’ ). No matter how hard you try to be liked by everyone, there will always be people who won’t cheerlead on your sidelines. So you better stop trying to please everyone.

There will always be people who (intentionally or unintentionally) make you doubt, hurt you or give you downright unnecessary unconstructive feedback. That could be a nasty hate comment on social media. But it could also be a colleague accidentally making a completely rude comment, someone shouting “Nah, I wouldn’t choose that dress!” or people trying to talk you out of brave choices.

Sometimes it’s a bit confusing, all those opinions. But what I often whisper to myself: if people always have opinions about me and if all those opinions are always different, then I better trust my own vision. If necessary, ask one person for advice who can think along well, but don’t let yourself be confused too much by unsolicited comments. Also know that people often reason from their situation. The fact that someone else doesn’t understand your choice doesn’t make your choice bad. It only means that you and the other person think differently about it.

4. Misery never becomes less miserable when you push it away.

Are you experiencing intense things, such as the loss of a loved one or illness in your family? Cry about it, talk about it as much as necessary and let your emotions be there. Even if this is the tenth crying fit in a week. No one has ever gotten better from suppressing feelings . So it is better to let them out.

I myself had a lot of trouble expressing myself after Bart’s mother passed away. I wanted to be there for others rather than be the crying friend myself. In the end, those same tears only came a long time later and I realized that I should have spoken much sooner.

What did it teach me? Never be afraid that you are burdening people with your emotions or that it is stupid that you feel this way. It is okay and human to feel stupid sometimes. And people around you would much rather have you let your emotions be there than have a crying fit at home on your own. The former is also more beneficial to you, because then there is at least someone who can wipe away your tears or stroke your arm.

5. If you don’t step on the brakes yourself, your body will. So it’s better to do it yourself.

Do you know those stories of people who suddenly catch one stubborn cold after another and vague viruses while on holiday? Been there, done that . If you don’t hit the brakes in time, your body will. And that doesn’t always have to be in the form of a hard burn-out. Sometimes your body presents you with vague complaints or a nasty virus comes along to make one thing clear to you: “Rest please!” I also learned that it’s not always useful to trust your head. Sometimes your body knows much better what you need than your head.

So listen to your body. Do you feel a bit tired? Give in to it, even before that vacation. Do you experience a lot of fear? See where it comes from and what you can do about it. And do you notice that you are very restless? Ask yourself what it wants to tell you and see if you can change your situation. The sooner you listen to your body, the less often your body has to hit the brakes for you.

6. You can’t change people, but you can change the way you treat them.

Not everyone gets along equally well. And even the people you get along with perfectly well always have little things that irritate you. Even if it’s just that one pair of underwear of your sweet partner that always ends up next to the laundry basket instead of in it. And okay, there may still be hope for improvement with that laundry basket habit. But unfortunately, in many cases you can’t change the entire character of a person. Yes, that’s sometimes sad. But it can also be a relief if you realize that changing is pointless and that you don’t have to put your energy into it.

You work with someone who sometimes drives you crazy by wanting everything immediately. Or your uncle makes blunt remarks that you feel ashamed of on your behalf. And that one friend can never be happy for you and always has something to complain about. It makes perfect sense that something like that frustrates you! You can say something about it once. Maybe even twice. But if someone still doesn’t pick up on it, it’s sometimes good to realize that that person (unfortunately) will not change from who they are.

Yes, that is sometimes painful. But it can give a lot of peace if you stop trying to change someone and ask yourself: “What would help me to deal with that person?” . Maybe you can visit someone less often, keep a safe distance or no longer discuss certain topics. It will still be sad that it is going this way. But this may be the least frustrating way for you.

7. Everyone is just messing around.

Sometimes it seems like someone else has everything running smoothly, while you yourself have to work hard to find two matching socks and a clean pair of underwear every morning. But don’t let that fool you: everyone has their own share of sh*t, insecurities and pitfalls . Or maybe you have the idea that others have already worked out their five-year plan in detail on the shelf, while you have no idea where you will be in six months. But if there is one thing I have noticed, it is that in the end everyone just does whatever they want.

For example, I found it a huge eye-opener when a lawyer revealed in his biography that she struggled with panic attacks during a turbulent time. So famous people sometimes find life overwhelming or stressful. What a relief! And I have also seen often enough around me that sometimes people with seemingly perfect careers get stuck in their work. And that perfect families also have their stumbling blocks if you peek behind the front door. Everyone finds big steps in life exciting, we all make mistakes and no one knows everything 100% for sure. In the end, we all sometimes just make choices on a gamble, sometimes jump into the deep end, and occasionally struggle when that turns out not to be the right leap or the right moment.

There are many more people struggling, reversing choices, changing course and then doing it again and again. No one has all the answers, so don’t feel alone in that.

8. Life is just plain unfair sometimes.

I think that is really stupid. And I am certainly not the only one. But this realization has also brought me peace. I am someone who makes explanations. When something bad happens to me, I try to reason why it happened or what I can learn from it. Should I have done things differently? Was it my fault? What can I learn from it? It helps me enormously to realize that many nasty plot twists in life are the result of pure bad luck. Not everything happens for a reason or to learn wise lessons from it. Sometimes things happen because of a stupid coincidence, a genetic error or by pure probability. That is stupid and unfair. But that is how it is.

Sometimes everything goes well for someone else, while you have to fight really hard for it. Sometimes you get a triple portion of misery in one year. Or you get a review at work that you don’t agree with at all, while your outspoken but somewhat lazy colleague gets a big promotion. That’s all unfair. But unfortunately you can’t change it. The only thing that sometimes helps is accepting that it is unfair and that you don’t have to fight it.

9. You have no control over many things; only over what is NOW.

If you are a control freak like me, you probably think this is a stupid quote. Well, it is also really stupid that sometimes things happen outside of your own control. Especially when those things turn things upside down, while you thought you had everything going well. The company where you worked is going through a reorganization. Someone close to you gets sick. Or you have to say goodbye to someone whose time you did not expect to be here yet. Those events can also cause fear. How do you know for sure that you will stay healthy? How do you know for sure that you will be at least as happy with this job in a year as you are now? Or that your relationship will still be just as romcom-like in 5 years? Unfortunately, that certainty is not there.

Unfortunately, you never know what plans life has for you for the coming year or the coming month. But if you let your life be ruled by fear of that unpredictability, then you are not really living life. Accept that you do not have complete control and also see it as an extra reason to get the most out of the life you are living now. You do not know what it will look like in half a year, but it does not change your future whether you worry about it or not.

Let the bad events teach you one thing: please enjoy the now.

What “hard” life lesson have you learned that you think is worth sharing?