It has been at least 10 years since the wonderful program Beyond the Line was on TV. The question “If you really knew me, would you know that…” was a regular there. I always watched with a lump in my throat the size of a tennis ball as people crossed the line. More often with a tissue at the ready than without. I thought it was so nice to see that people were open. About the good and the bad. It sometimes feels logical to think that you are the only one with something, while there are almost always—even in your own environment—people walking around who recognize a part of your story. For that reason alone I think it is nice to sometimes—especially privately and now also here on this piece of the web—give a glimpse into what you do not always see.
If you really knew me, you would know that…
… I am positively moved almost every week by the smallest things, like walking through the park behind our house in Houston and realizing that this really is our forever home or a drive through downtown Houston. Certainly every week I stop to think about where I come from (when I went through a difficult time with anorexia when I was around 22) and how different my life is now. Then I realize again how grateful I am that this is where I am and that I used that spark of hope at the time to slowly change my life.
… I sometimes go a bit too far in wanting to be an independent man. I have always had a strong urge to stand on my own two feet. Actually in every sense of the word. Financially, but also emotionally and in other areas. On the one hand I think that is beautiful and cool and strong. But of course it is also a huge quality that sometimes gets in my way. For example, Jake has offered to come with me to the doctor a few times (because the man and I don’t get along so well that my story never comes out completely well), but I keep saying that I prefer to do it alone. I think something in me finds it a bit difficult to lean on someone’s shoulder. I prefer to be the one who offers a shoulder to someone else.
… I find “Oh, can you even make a living from that?” to be one of the most annoying questions there is. I worked super hard to make freelance copywriting my job, I work a lot of hours a week and it certainly didn’t come easy to me to turn my passion for writing into my bread-and-butter activity. I earn more as a freelancer than I did as an employee and I already had my company before Jake and I shared a household. Sometimes it frustrates me that people still think that I “must have a wealthy partner” or wonder what else I do besides “my little business.” Being a creative entrepreneur and making a good living from it go very well together. You see: this is a comment that ignites quite a fire in me. Maybe also because I want to get rid of the stigma that you must have a hard time scraping together the money with a creative profession.
… I have a mint addiction and I go through more mints in a day than is probably good for you. At the same time, I keep telling myself that there are worse things to get addicted to and that is why I haven’t yet mustered up the determination to put that little blue jar of mints out of reach.
… I didn’t learn to cook until I was 25. Up until that age, I had never prepared anything other than mac ‘n’ cheese and veggie patties. As a twenty-something who had just moved out on my own, I had no idea what to do with mushrooms, I sometimes ate couscous that was cooked to pieces (I had no idea that “soaking” was something different…) and I had no more than two jars of spices in the house (pepper and Tony Chachere’s). I had a messed up relationship with food for years. And although I had already recovered for a while when I moved out on my own, my love for food and cooking only really came when I was about 27. Sometimes I wonder what my college days would have been like if I had already had this love for preparing food back then. Maybe I would have been one of those culinary students who went to dinner clubs. I have no idea! At the same time, I believe that I can enjoy food even more because I know all too well what it’s like to miss out on enjoying food.
… I am homesick and often ashamed of it. Once I am on vacation, I often think it is fantastic and I have a great time. But the days leading up to it I dread like a mountain. And as dull as it may sound and as nice as vacations are, I still find coming home the best thing about the whole traveling. When I sometimes see how easily some people pack their suitcases to stay everywhere and nowhere, I sometimes get annoyed by the homesick homebody in me. At the same time, I also think it is beautiful that I enjoy my home place so much that annual vacations are not a must for me to “get the most out of life.”
… I’ve been walking around with a fairly concrete book plan for 5 years. When I was sick, I always shouted “If I ever recover from this, I want to help others with it. With a book!” For years I thought that moment would never come. And once I had recovered, I was far too busy starting to live again, working in an office for the first time, buying a house, enjoying love and above all just living, to squeeze in a book writing project in between. In the last few weeks the fire has been burning brighter again. I’ve had a super concrete idea for a book for at least five years. It’s just something very personal. And although I give quite a few glimpses into my soul on my blog, it feels awfully open and exposed to throw more bits of personal story into the world. On paper too. So no, I don’t know yet. I don’t know yet what I want to do with it. Whether I want it. How I want it. When will I be done with that? I haven’t decided on that either 😉
… I sometimes find growing older a difficult concept. And at the same time I wish I didn’t. Since Jake’s mom passed away (3.5 years ago) I have. When you experience up close that someone you love is suddenly no longer there, you start to look differently at adding new years. At least I do. On the one hand, I see even more how important it is not to let life pass me by in a rush. On the other hand, it sometimes makes me anxious when I think too much about the fact that you should LIVE hard and to the fullest and party hard, and I wonder if I do that enough. I want so much and sometimes it feels like the clock is ticking faster than I would like. But I’m sure I’m not the only one 😉
… I often feel bad about my (bloated) belly. I have been struggling with the vague complaints that have been given the label “irritable bowel syndrome” for about 4-5 years now. I have seen many people and applied advice. Avoided food, added food, ate more fiber or less, had acupuncture needles inserted into me, did breathing sessions, performed physical therapy exercises… Sometimes it makes me sad that my belly has not become less bloated. At the same time, I remain hopeful that something can be found somewhere that helps and I happily continue experimenting (together with a dietician) until we find the remedy.
… I find jealousy to be complicated. When I notice that someone is jealous of me, I never really know what to say. It doesn’t feel like a compliment, more like a small unintentional stab. Even if that’s not what someone wants to say. I always think “I’ve been through enough and not much has come my way. Why would you want to trade places with me?” In my opinion, jealousy is very human, but often unnecessary. You are often jealous of one thing about the other person, but that person probably also has enough things that are not jealous. Things that you may not even know about the other person. Think of a difficult past, insecurities, health issues, a difficult relationship, lost loved ones, loneliness, etc. You never know someone’s whole story. Being jealous is a shame. For yourself and for the other person who you don’t see 100% for who they are.
… I am a huge nerd. All my life. In high school, I hated hearing someone whisper that word and knowing it was about me. Now, I’m proud of my nerdy side. I’ve even made it my job to be a nerd. Well, sort of. As a copywriter, I get to dig into different topics every day, ask people all sorts of questions, and constantly be that curious, overly interested person. How lucky is that job!
… I regularly lose the balance between being overstimulated/understimulated. On the one hand, as an introvert with a highly sensitive side, I regularly get overstimulated. Put me at a busy tailgate or family reunion for 5 hours and I can then spend a day on an alone time drip. At the same time, I also respond well to stimuli. If I were to sit on the beach for a day, I would go crazy and want to read books, soak up history, create writings and more of that. I am increasingly realizing that I do not so much miss social stimuli, but more intellectual stimuli. The stimuli of learning things, doing something with your head, throwing yourself into things with a lot of enthusiasm.
… I thought that was crazy for a long time. Now I just give in to it. BUT the consequence of quickly becoming both overstimulated and understimulated is that the balance is regularly gone. If someone finds it, will you send it back to me?
