“The only way is up.” I wrote those words to myself about eight years ago. I was twenty. My relationship had ended a while ago. My head was full of thoughts and my body full of feelings that I would rather be rid of than have. The anorexic voice that was in my head at the time had talked me into a mental and physical low point. I wondered every day whether there really was a prospect of better times. Until that moment of realization came step by step: you have to keep hope. I tried to believe that things could only get better. And indeed, step by step I started to notice that, even when you are at the bottom of the pit feeling dejected, there is a light somewhere that can pull you up. That is why I wrote this article. From me, for you. For when you are in a difficult spot and can use every ray of hope.
Hope – you want it, but it’s not always there
At times when you are really down, keeping hope may seem too simplistic. When your head is filled with worries and misery, it is difficult to see the light shining. They are always there – you know that. Or at least people have told you that. But sometimes your courage has simply sunk to the very tip of your shoe, and even with the best telescope you can no longer see the shining points of light in the darkness. They are certainly there. But for you too?
Keeping hope is something that often gets me through difficult situations these days. I am not someone who gives up easily, and I always try to see that things will get better. But that has certainly not always been the case. About seven years ago, I was the first to jump up from my chair angrily when positive people told me “Life will smile at you again soon” or “It will all work out”. I did not want to hear that. I felt gloomy and for me, hope shone nowhere else than in the heads of those people.
It was only towards the end of my eating disorder recovery that I started to teach myself to keep hope. Fear, a sense of loneliness and dark thoughts slowly made way for hope, lights and the realization that even those terribly positive people had been right. There was hope. For me too.
What can you do to keep hope?
Keeping hope is not a matter of flipping a switch. That’s what I always thought. Before I reached the anorexia low point, I spent a long time searching for the elusive switch. But it turned out that I didn’t have to completely change my mindset and life. I mainly had to speak encouraging words to myself over and over again . Not just go along with the fearful voices and the bogeymen in my head who came up with doomsday scenario after doomsday scenario.
No, I had to tell myself lovingly that those voices and shitty things might be there now, but that it would get better. And for real!
At that time and still today, I mostly manage to keep hope by holding on to a few helpful thoughts. These are 9 things that drag me through difficult times . And sure, I still sometimes feel hopeless when things go wrong or when I struggle with something. But those feelings are less intense and ebb away faster than they were then.
1. Realize that no situation is hopeless
Perhaps you recognize the thoughts in your own head that give words to the concept of ‘hopelessness’. Statements like “I can’t do it anymore” or ” I don’t know anymore ” or ” I want to change my life , but how?”. You feel like you’ve tried ten ways, talked to dozens of people and asked countless professionals for directions, but you’re still not where you want to be.
That’s also how I felt sometimes in my eating disorder recovery. I had seen multiple therapists. One of them literally said to me “I don’t think recovery is an option anymore. We should just go for a stable situation.” After a while, I almost started to believe that this hopeful future wasn’t meant for me. And yet, it turned out there was a way. I simply had to find my path to recovery.
If there is one thing that period taught me, it is that situations are never hopeless. During that time, I read countless stories of others who had also recovered from a difficult situation. And the more inspiring stories I read, the more strength I drew from them to continue with good courage. My situation was not forever (or at least would not always feel as heavy as it did at that moment) – I was convinced of that. And that goes for yours too.
Do you find it hard to believe that? Then take hope from the following:
- List what you are good at . What are your strongest character traits? What do you have that allows you to change things for the better? What have you done before when you thought you couldn’t?
- Read stories from people who have been through something similar. Listen to podcasts or buy books from inspiring people. You will find that there are very few people who have never had a setback. If they are still standing, so can you.
- No situation is forever . What is in your life now is only temporary. In a few years, everything can be different. Think back to something difficult you have experienced (a breakup, a rejection for a job, failing your exam, etc.). That situation probably became milder and easier after a while. That can also apply to the situation you are in now.
2. Tell yourself “The only way is up” (aka you have to go for it)
It sounds like the title of a melancholic song. One of a singer with a visible tremor in her voice and a much too emotional video clip in which a few tears and looks with smeared mascara will definitely pass by. For me it is mainly a nice quote that I still like to pull myself up by to keep hope.
The words first sounded in my head when I was completely trapped in an eating disorder and I gradually lost my hope. I was 21 and my days consisted mainly of dragging my exhausted body onto my bike against my better judgment to cycle round and round and round again. I wanted to change my life very often. Drastically too. But of course in the morning the fear and the step itself were often much too big to do that in one go. Disappointed in myself I crawled back.
Somewhere – I don’t remember where – I came across the words “The only way is up”. It’s not that I could make a 180 degree turn at that moment – like the people in ‘Houston’ who start a pancake restaurant in Alaska. But the more often I repeated the words and the more often I heard them – in all sorts of forms – from others, the more I started to notice that staying where I was was not an option. Jumping in at the deep end and doing things differently was not a choice, but a necessity. Not because I owed it to others, but because I owed it to myself to finally grant myself everything I wanted all that time but couldn’t give myself. Food. Love. Gentleness. Being soft. Peace.
I still say those words to myself often. Keeping hope and still going or fighting for where you want to be is the only thing you can do. Please do it. No matter how scary.
Taking things on and making them better for you is sometimes the only path you can take. But you can be sure that the path is worth it and will be less difficult than it seems now.
3. Reassure yourself that not everything will happen at once
Do you know what the beauty of walking the path up is? Like any walk, it is not that you reach your destination in one step and that your life is radically different because of it. No, you keep taking a step forward, getting closer little by little and gradually getting used to the things you leave behind and what you get in return.
My eating disorder recovery has shown me that growth or recovery often seems so much bigger than it has to be in practice. You don’t change your life in one day. Of course, you read the stories online of coaches who had an insight somewhere and did everything differently from that moment on. But those people are the exception. Their pace doesn’t have to determine yours. My recovery was also a matter of taking on challenges step by step. Having a biscuit with tea once and noticing that nothing happened. Seeing the scale number go up a little every week. Every step felt exciting and scary. But the more steps I took, the less difficult the next step often felt.
No matter how bloodcurdlingly scary a change may seem, there is always time to get used to it. There are moments to rest and realize how exciting and grand it may feel. In that sense, “the only way is up” is not a matter of taking the highest diving board and diving into the deep end without a swimming certificate and hoping you don’t go under. Think of it as treading water with armbands, while a lifeguard is on the sidelines, you know the pool perfectly and there are cheerleaders on the sidelines to cheer you on.
4. Be curious about the hopelessness, but don’t participate in it
It is very human to feel fear. If you want to learn to let fear and worry make way for more hope, it is smart to examine your fears. Why have you lost hope? What is bothering you? What are you afraid of? Sometimes it is because you suffer a lot from uncertainty and negative thoughts. Then those are thoughts that you can work on. Sometimes you have experienced something unpleasant that you keep replaying like a videotape and that still damages your confidence in your future. In such a case, it is good to talk about it and seek help.
Often, when you put on the researcher’s coat, it turns out that the loss of hope is accompanied by fear. And that fear is not always what it seems. For example, when I started my recovery, I thought I was afraid of sugar and getting fat. But my fear was not about that at all. I was mainly afraid of the feelings that would arise from gaining weight . Of the sadness, anger and loneliness that were underneath. Knowing that this fear was hidden behind my feelings helped me to fight against it. With every bite I could think “This is not about this bite. I have to go through this, for something else.”
Sometimes it also turns out that your fear is quite surmountable. For example, your lost hope is because you keep seeing other people who seem to be going much faster than you. You wonder why you can’t do it. In such a case, your situation is not hopeless at all and it is not a matter of facing fears, but of realizing that your path is unique. Everyone has their own setbacks, strokes of luck, talents and pitfalls. Accept yours and walk your path with it, without blindly staring at the path and final destination of someone else.
5. Focus on your best long-term goals, not just today and tomorrow
Doing things differently than you always did is super exciting. You’ll probably hear plenty of internal voices hissing at you along the way: “Should you really do that?”, “You can still back out now” or – if your inner critic doesn’t let itself be messed with – even “Loser, what are you doing?”. Yup, I had one of those vicious voices that shouted the latter at me. At that time, I sometimes had my hands full with the battle in my head. Should I continue or give up? Give in to the voices or trust my dot on the horizon? Take the easy way out (back to square one) or continue with what I was doing?
What helped me at such moments was realizing that I would be grateful to myself later. Not looking at just this moment (and the effort and frustration it costs now), but making very concrete what it would bring in the long run.
- How do these steps contribute to my goal for the future?
- How do I stop myself from taking action?
- What would I like my life to look like in five years? What can I do differently today to make that happen?
- What trouble will it bring me if I stay where I am?
At all the moments when my courage had sunk to the tip of my shoe, I asked myself those questions. Okay, I found it scary and exciting now and I felt the temptation to go back to square one. But I also knew: I want a nice job one day, I want to have children one day, I want a nice relationship, I want to live on my own. All of that was only possible by continuing to fight.
Sometimes what you do NOW doesn’t seem to make much difference. But make no mistake: in five years, all those steps together could have given your life that beautiful, positive turnaround. Take hope from that.
6. Think back to all the times you could do this
In a year, your life can look completely different. At the time, situations sometimes seem like the end of the world. It feels hopeless and you wonder if it will ever get better. But chances are that in a year, you will look back and think “Damn, I have come a long way!”.
If you dig into your memory now, are there more situations in which you felt hopeless? And in which you also noticed after a while that life was getting better? For example, I remember that after a specific application rejection six years ago, it felt as if the dream job had been snatched away from me and my future was in a thousand pieces. What was I supposed to do now that the job I had set my sights on was going to someone else? Funny enough, a year later I was with a different employer, I was happy there and I didn’t think about the rejection for a day.
This often applies to larger situations as well. I am sure that you have experienced situations in which you later looked over your shoulder with pride. “What? I just did it! Not in one go, but I made it !”. Think back to such a situation. What quality made you succeed then? How proud did you feel then? What words did you say to yourself? What did it teach you? The bundle of strength that helped you then can also pull you through this misery.
7. Bring a touch of cheerfulness into your life
A hopeless feeling is not something you can just – poof – blow away. You can temporarily numb it by continuing to do nice things. By – even if it is only for one hour – not being concerned with whether or not there is hope. That always helps me in periods when I feel a bit despondent. I then hold on to the things that are nice. Because fortunately they are always there. That can be something small like spending a free afternoon with a friend, a nice conversation, a walk in the park or admiring beautiful blossoms on the branches.
Collect small moments where you are not thinking about the future or what you have to do, but where there is only the here and now . That helps you to land, can calm fears and generally reduces the feeling that there is more than you can handle.
8. Catch your breath
When I look at myself, losing hope is often a result of being completely absorbed in my thought processes. It all starts with one not so positive thought. Then another one follows, then another. The more thoughts come, the more my rational self makes way for a panicky worrier. Hence this tip to keep hope: do something to get out of your brain and back in touch with your body . Do breathing exercises, lie down in bed in silence for a while, take a walk or do something else that allows you to temporarily switch off your thoughts.
Don’t go on. Don’t keep doing what you were doing. But take the time to experience what is going on inside you. What do you need now? What do you feel? Is it sadness, anger, fear, frustration, loneliness? And what would you rather feel? What helps you at this moment to experience more of that? Often taking a break, saying something or getting something off your chest is enough to experience more space and therefore look to the future with more hope. It can also give you new ideas or solutions or perhaps it helps you to put things into perspective.
Either way, take a deep breath and stop running for a moment. Sometimes the hopelessness will quickly make way for a more positive outlook.
9. And keep hoping, even after adversity (it’s not the end of the world)
You would rather not have experienced that scrape and fall. But hope is not something that is lost if you fall down once. Keeping hope is not about never falling and moving flawlessly towards your goal. It is about patting your knees dry, getting up, asking for a helping hand and continuing. Realizing that there is always a new day tomorrow if today did not cooperate. And making new attempts, where each misstep teaches you a little better what you should try.
