1. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

At 21, I was often afraid. Not of spiders or scary diseases. But I did find everything new and unknown nerve-wrackingly exciting. Looking back, I was definitely not at my best at 21. Not in the prime of my life, so to speak. I was graduating for my bachelor’s degree, had no idea what I wanted to do later in life (let alone in life) and – oh yeah – I was also recovering from anorexia.

I found it all scary. On the one hand, the new body that I was not used to and that I now had to accept as my own. But on the other hand, the whole concept of growing up and having no idea what was coming my way. How could I decide now what kind of work would suit me? What would my life look like if I were to stand on my own two feet? Or if I suddenly started earning money in a serious adult job with a degree in my pocket? At the time, I did not see it as a nice adventure, but mainly as a scary next step that I could not avoid.

Back then, fear could paralyze me. I found it all so exciting that I preferred to cycle around fearful situations in an arc. It wasn’t until a few years later that I started to notice that fear is often much greater than the exciting situation itself. It wasn’t bad that things scared me. It only became a problem when I completely went along with that fear and didn’t do things.

One thing is for sure: fear will not diminish if you continue to skillfully maneuver around tense situations.

To my 21-year-old self, I would say that it’s not stupid to be afraid and that we all get afraid or at least nervous sometimes. And I would immediately add that it’s not the end of the world if you go into something full of excitement and fear. And that you can still do a lot with that fear raging through your body – more than you think beforehand. And yes, I still say that advice to myself sometimes when I’m faced with exciting situations.

2. It’s okay to change.

At 21, all sorts of things were happening: I started an internship, had a part-time job at university, and got more fun with people my own age. I slowly started to notice that I wasn’t the quiet, shy boy I had thought I was for 20 years. I discovered that I had endless ambition, and that I was quite willing to get over my insecurities for it. And I broke up with my then girlfriend, only to discover that I might be stronger without her than as a couple. Little by little, I got to know sides of myself that I didn’t even know were hidden inside me. Only then did a new fear bubble up: the fear of change .

What do other people think of who I am now? What if they don’t recognize me anymore, in appearance or in character? Do I actually want to change or was the old version of me nicer? And if I then also heard from people “I really don’t think that’s for you!” when I made exciting plans, then the doubting started all over again.

“Nonsense!”, I think now. Every person changes constantly. As a teenager, you are a different person than when you were a toddler and held your parents’ hand on the way to school. When you start your first job, that often changes you too. When you get into a relationship, you discover even more new sides of yourself. Little by little, you learn to express sides of yourself that you only now realize you had.

Yes, change is exciting. Also for the people around you. When you change, your environment does not automatically change with you. You may become a different person: more self-confident, more assertive, happier, more ambitious, harder, softer, more vulnerable, more spiritual. But everyone around you develops in their own way. And sometimes, as you grow, you grow further and further apart. That is sad, but human.

Don’t let others throw you off course when you feel like you’re becoming more and more you. Change, flutter, try, fall and get back up. It’s all okay.

3. You’re not weird. You’re an introvert.

Sometimes I wish I had come across the term ‘introvert’ earlier. It would have saved me a lot of “Oh dear, am I weird?” doubts. Since I discovered a several years ago that I belong to the 20% of people with an introverted character, I suddenly understand why I am the way I am. As an introvert, you are already at your optimal energy level; when you are with other people, you need to recover afterwards in the form of time for yourself. As an extrovert, you need other people to feel optimal, and your need for social contact is therefore greater. There is no right or wrong. In both cases, your energy tank just works differently. And boy, do I wish I had heard about that 10 years ago!

Ten years ago, I felt like a boring idiot when fellow students would show up at the lecture halls on Monday morning, visibly hungover, and tell me about wild kissing sessions, cool parties, concerts, cinema visits, weekends with friends and who knows what other social things. Then I would come up with my “Yes, my weekend was fun! Did some nice things for myself and went to my grandma!” story. My life wasn’t grand and exciting, but I did organize my days in a way that made me happy. Still, doubt struck and I was almost ashamed to share my weekend experiences.

Now I would like to whisper to my 21-year-old self that there was nothing wrong with me. I was not boring. Maybe a quiet homebody who could be alone. But the world needs quiet people and homebodies too.

So don’t pretend to be someone else, don’t be ashamed of who you are and live your life in your own way. I can say that I am happy with my introversion. I don’t need many adventures and people around me to be happy.

4. Don’t put off exciting steps. That doesn’t make them any less scary.

When I was 21, I found procrastination to be a great coping mechanism to feel less anxious. Well, today just wasn’t the time to have that difficult conversation with my girlfriend. That’ll happen another time. Book that trip on my own? No, I think I’ll be better able to do that next year when I feel more confident. These are just some brain fragments from my head at the time.

The thing about exciting things is that they don’t suddenly feel less exciting tomorrow. And if you think now is not the time, it’s often because you feel a lot of fear rather than because there are really a lot of practical objections. If you really want something, there is always a way to find it.

It is sometimes tempting to first work on your self-confidence or to first get into calmer waters before you dare to do scary things. But the perfect moment for exciting steps never comes. So rather go for it now. Then you don’t have to worry about it for so long unnecessarily, and you can experience in the process that the exciting step is not so exciting after all.

5. Don’t get stuck in your head. Listen more to your body.

To be fair, I would still give that advice to my current self regularly. I recently read the words somewhere: “There are people who are a chicken without a head. But I am a head without a chicken.” When I was 21, I could have simply stuck that definition on my forehead. I started running because I ran every week, even when I was exhausted. Did I feel angry? Then I swallowed it down. And was I tired? Then there was no room for that. Come on, don’t whine, but keep going!

I still tend to be a head-scratcher. If I don’t pay attention, I spend my days thinking, thinking and thinking. And not just in a brooding way. I also regularly think about fun creative ideas, nice work plans or recipes that I still want to make. That’s really cool, except when it’s at a time when you actually want to sleep or relax.

In the last few months I have found a better shortcut to the off button of my head: try to pick up the signals in your body and take them seriously. When I had a headache, I used to think “Hurry, take some paracetamol and get going!”. Now I also see the headache as a signal that I have apparently done too much or am just craving rest. Then I give in to that.

6. You are not too late in life

When I was 21, I often felt like a late bloomer . I still do sometimes. But I don’t really believe in that term anymore, because I now see that everyone blossoms in their own way and at their own pace. There is no ultimate timeline for life, so there is no such thing as being ahead or behind. If you follow your pace and path, you are always on time.

Still, that late bloomer feeling often gnawed at me at the time. I “only” got my first girlfriend at 19, while others seemed to have settled down long ago or already had at least a few girlfriends on their relationship resume. And I hadn’t lived on my own yet at 21. Shouldn’t I have had my career plans clear by now? Wasn’t I too childish for my age? Would people take me seriously at work if I still lived with my parents? It often felt like I was trailing behind the pack.

Ten years later, I would like to shake my 21-year-old self: “Man, you’re only 21. You still have plenty of time.” And I honestly believe that this is still true at 31 and 41. You are never too late to do things differently than you did them. And if you take certain steps later than average or not at all, then there may be a reason for that. That’s just how your life went or you were busy with other things at other times. That makes sense!

And yes, I still say this sentence to myself sometimes. For example, when my previous GP started talking about my biological clock completely unsolicited when I was 30… 😉

7. It’ll be okay.

Do you remember that line from a TV commercials from your childhood ( this one! )? Or have you ever heard the beautiful song “ Everything will be fine ”? I still regularly say the words “It will be fine!” to myself when I am going through an uncertain period. Not that I want to say that everything will turn out fine. Unfortunately, that is simply not the case. But with the words “It will be fine” I want to encourage myself that – one way or another – there is always a way for me to deal with something.

For example, a while ago I came home from a dinner with such severe neck pain and headache that I could only lie on the couch. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that I felt like my old self again. What was going on? Would it get better? And when? Do I need to do more to get rid of this? During that period, I often said these words to myself: “Everything will be fine. Maybe not tomorrow, but eventually!” It helped me not to get stuck in the frustration.

I would also like to say those words to my 21-year-old self. At the time, I could really get worked up about “the big, bad adult life”. Buying my own house, having a real office job, making exciting phone calls for work every day… I couldn’t see myself doing any of that. But in retrospect, it all turned out not to be so scary and sometimes it was actually really fun. At those times, it would have helped me enormously if I could keep telling myself: “It’ll be okay! And even if it doesn’t, it’ll be okay in another way.”

8. For heaven’s sake, go meditate.

And finally, I would advise my 21-year-old self to get over his meditation hatred. I remember that mindfulness was just emerging at the time. But I always grumbled that it wasn’t for me and that I was far too bad at sitting still. Well, I changed my mind about that when I decided to “do something with meditation” 4 years ago. It turned out to be very good for all those who don’t have a talent for sitting still. And for people with no heads, it’s a great idea to try meditation.

I know for sure that it would have helped me a lot when I was 21 with my constantly racing mind. Sometimes the things you feel the most resistance to are the very things that you benefit the most from doing. Oh well, my 21-year-old self would be proud of her 10-year-old version who is busy with the Headspace app every day. At least I have found a way to quiet my busy mind 🙂

What would you give to your 10 year younger self? And is that advice still useful to you?